Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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