haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
