just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
