worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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