That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
