nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
