Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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