Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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