I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
