How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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