Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize