i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Life is so much better after having sex.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
