Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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