Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
