i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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