Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
