I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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