the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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