It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
