The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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