Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
