I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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