I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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