I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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