i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
