In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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