We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
