Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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