Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
