he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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