Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
