I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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