i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
