He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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