I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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