Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
well you can't waste a boner
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
