yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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