On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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