It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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