I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
