I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
