I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
