i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize