so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
