I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
