Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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