why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
