ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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