they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize