Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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