So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
