We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
