Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
