Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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