I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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